dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
