Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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