What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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