I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
