oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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