Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
