it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
