Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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