I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
