thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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