I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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