I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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