I didn't shave. On purpose
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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