I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
