Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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