I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
