I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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