alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
