i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
