im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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