Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
