It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
