nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I am naked and annoyed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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