Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
