can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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