why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
