Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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