I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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