I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
