I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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