I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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