when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
