weddingsv make me drug and hornr
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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