Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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