I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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