i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
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all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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