i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
