In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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