I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
