Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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