U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
