I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
