im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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