Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
