Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
