what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
