I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
