News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
