i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
