I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
