im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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