I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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