I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
