He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
