dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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