I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
