I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You pole danced in your parka.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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