Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize