Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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